Hey, White Liar

I was at a BBQ over the weekend with some friends and two of them have been dating for a while now and I thought everything was going really well until I actually spent some time with them and I realised all wasn’t well. In the space of a few hours I heard them say four of these relationship white lies to one another and honestly I can’t say I was all the surprised to hear that they had finally broken up this morning after a whole weekend of fighting but the truth of the matter they both had pretty much checked out of the relationship some time ago but neither of them was big enough to admit it instead hiding in the safety of being in a couple even if it was a bad relationship. I thought I would look at some of these warning white lies that might suggest your relationship is in trouble.

1. “I just need some space.”

Translates as: “I’m too much of a coward to break up with you properly.”

If your other half starts demanding space or worse suggests you start seeing other people, it means they’re looking for an exit strategy that enables them to gradually extricate themselves from the relationship without having to endure the awkward ‘break-up’ conversation. With the exception of Ross and Rachel from Friends, the odds of getting back together after a break are very low.

2. “Nothing’s wrong”

Translates as: “You should know what’s wrong without me having to tell you.”

Even though their words imply there’s nothing wrong, their tone and body language say otherwise. Their resentment and anger is directed at you because you haven’t already intuited what it is that’s upset them. This type of passive aggressive comment signals an underlying communication problem that needs addressing if the relationship is to succeed.

3. “It’s not my fault.”

Translates as: “It’s your fault.”

Laying blame at the foot of another is a classic symptom of relationship frustration. Failure to take responsibility for something that’s gone wrong or picking trivial fights is a way of venting their irritation or anger with you. It may even be employed to goad you into making the first move in starting an argument. Instead of taking the bait, it’s time to sit down and talk through what’s at the heart of the problem together.

4. “I’m going to be late.”

Translates as: “I’ve more important things to do.”

There was a time when your lover would take the time to plan out the perfect date night. Nowadays they turn up late, make lame excuses or worse – forget you even had plans together at all. They’re taking you for granted and as a result you’re slipping down their priority list. This is a warning sign that shouldn’t be ignored if you want your relationship to prosper. Tell them how you feel you’re being neglected and book in some quality time together that you’re both committed to no matter what else comes up.

5. “I don’t like you hanging out with them.”

Translates as: “I’m jealous.” Or “I don’t trust you”

Comments like this reveal your other half’s desire to control who you spend time with. They may try to convince you that they have your best interests at heart and you might find it flattering that they’re being so protective. But keep in mind that jealousy and possessiveness are usually destructive forces in a relationship. Addressing the root of the problem is crucial. While you should respect your partner for his/her opinions, it’s unwise to just accept them and stop seeing your friends without having an open discussion about the situation first.

 

Mindfucked and Exhausted

Things where so much simpler when you where four and you could say how you felt and exactly what you meant and not worry about upsetting anyone because you where four and let’s be honest you didn’t know any better. Sometimes I wish I could be four again and not have to deal with grown up emotions and feelings. Back when your head and heart were one in the same and wanted the same things, way back when before you got hurt or knew better, when fucking up was both expected and accepted.

But I’m not four anymore so I have to deal with being ‘mindfucked’ (for want of a better word) and frankly I’m exhausted by it all.

My head keeps reciting the words that “A man should be judged on the sum of his actions” but my heart is desperately trying to talk my head out of believing this so feverously. Trust is something that can’t be bought, battered or stolen it is something given freely. I don’t trust easily and when I do I have one foot out the door – it is a character flaw I know and is something I have long since struggled with. The past is hard to shake off and even harder to fully get over. I do trust… I trust just fine until I’m given a reason not to. Hmmm thinking about it I guess this leaves me open to being mindfucked good and proper but it is who I am and I can’t change that I can only strive to be better.

In the last few days I have trusted completely, had my trust broken and broken someone’s trust in me (although this person gallantly denies that I have, I still feel to the contrary) I guess putting it another way I have mindfucked, been mindfucked and been a mindfuckee – damn that’s a lot of fucks and not one of them being the kind of fuck I have desired!

I have spend the morning grovelling to the one whose trust I broke – he claims I have no need too and he has nothing to forgive me for. But I still feel the need to apologies a billion times over. I know he is going to read this and shake his head thinking what do I have to say to make you believe that you have nothing to apologies about and that you haven’t broken my trust. Truth is nothing you can say will make the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach go away so let me grovel please! I think the reason I feel so incredibly guilty is because we shared such a momentous moment on Friday when we realised we were both very much halves of the same coin – and that is amazing. As we stepped forward the only things that were required were full and complete trust and honesty. I won’t say which of the two I had a minor infraction (broken IMO) on but I find myself willing to do whatever this persons asks of me from now on – no matter what it is. I owe this person more than they could ever imagine and to put that in perspective is to say I was close to the edge and this person pulled me back in and they’ll know exactly to what I’m referring, but really the less said about it all the better.

Okay to the point to which I’m struggling with the most – my trust being broken. I’m not mad about it – I just want to be very clear on that point so I’ll say it again I’M NOT MAD!!! I am about 50 shades of hurt (yes I just made a 50 Shades of Grey reference now get over it!!!) I think the reason I’m struggling about how I feel is not because my trust was broken (I mean I expect everyone in my life to do this at least once – I told you I had trust issues I wasn’t messing I really am that fucked up!) but who broke it. Without going into many details this person is in my life but is in ‘limbo’ and is seated between two chairs friend and something more. I can’t decide which of them it would have been better this person had been. I want very much to get past it and move on. The person has apologised and admitted they were wrong and for me that is more than a good place to start.

I guess it all comes down to me being worried about being hurt again and what will happen when the ‘fog’ is lifted. I mean we have had some pretty intense conversations in the past but now that I think about it all them where in text form and I worry he can’t talk to me about these things with his voice and not with his fingers….oh I’m a mess – a mindfucked, mindfucking, mindfuckee mess!

And it is exhausting. 

 

The Response

I guess there truly is a first time for everything – this is a first for me not only having written a piece and dedicated it entirely to someone but to have them write a response. This was kind of unique instance you see you out there the reader firstly wanted to know what this person thought of what I wrote but also you wanted them to describe me to you. I have always been a little careful about what I share about myself but I gave this person carte blanch to write what he saw fit and I would publish it word for word as he wrote it and this is what I’m doing. Was I nervous? Of course I was! Should I have been? Good heavens no! So with out further ramblings from me this is the response….

Although I am typically quite reserved about my feelings, when Cindy asked if I would write something to go along with what she wrote about me and finally answer some of the questions as to what she is really like, I couldn’t help but try and tell you all about how amazing she is…

Over the last few months, Cindy, (pun intended), and I have had the opportunity to get to know one another better than I ever expected. I was taken aback by her boldness and confidence in all thing sexual at the beginning of our relationship, as are SO many of you, but I’ve had the rare opportunity to see all of her. The real her and to be honest, I believe she is the ‘Charming’ one of the bunch.

When she was having a moment of writers block, I suggested she write about our escapades. She suggested an introduction and of course anything to make her happy would immediately make me happy. When I read her introduction I was surprised to be depicted by her as I was for I had never thought of myself being anything more than a gentleman.

So who is Cindy? The best way I could explain her would be to answer a question she once asked “What do you see in me?” Her complete lack of concern for herself is a character that is so overpowering I can’t get enough of it. She is always concerned more about me than herself, ALWAYS, which is my mantra as well. Her smile and sweet little accent send me into a tailspin that only she can help me recover from. She has no idea how amazing she is again, putting me on my heels. She is both playful and serious. Innocent and knowledgeable. Trusting and cautious. My life is better for having her in it.

I wish I could portray her in the light that my mind sees her but for now I can only hope she keeps me around and that things continue progressing as they certainly have thus far.

 

 

 

Karma’s a bitch….

….. And she had you on speed dial.

Okay in the time since I have set up this blog I have been inundated with countless emails asking me for my opinions and advice on a variety of relationship problems. While others directly relate to specific blog posts usually looking for more information or asking me questions about something I may have said. It is from the later category this email and subsequent story comes from. It’s funny something that I mentioned so briefly at the end of a post is actually a topic I have probably answered the most emails about – Yes I’m talking about my sexy striptease. Okay if you haven’t read the post where it appeared you can read it here.

So about three weeks ago now I got a lovely email from a blog follower let’s call her Miss A. Miss A’s email went like this;

The reason I’m writing to you is that I am in desperate need of some help, from a kinky women like yourself. On many occasions though out your blog you mention performing striptease acts. Okay, great, and I know for certain my boyfriend would love me to do that and I have tried, but each time has ended terribly. There is nothing worse than trying to get into the mood, I trip over and he burst out laughing. So not sexy. I’m embarrassed and awkward, and while he enjoys the laugh, my confidence is taking a serious knock. So please Ms Naughty, your help is needed. Its up to you to save my sex life (no pressure)!!!!

How to put on a sexy striptease – oh if I have a dollar for every time I explained this I would be one very rich lady. So here is the advice I gave to Miss A and anyone who would email me;

In the beginning it helped me to pretend that during the striptease I was someone else – playing a part almost – taking on the way they would act and what they would do. Chanel your inner Marilyn Monroe or Rita Haywood. Another thing that might help and it did for me because of my dance past was attending a few burlesque dance classes – just to get in touch with how to move your body in a seductive manner.

 Okay essentially a striptease is taking your clothes off – so you have to choose the right outfit. I will let you in on a secret my go to outfit for this might surprise you. But I like to wear an over sized mans shirt, stockings, suspenders, a matching lingerie set and of course heels. My hair tends to start pined up loosely all with the intention of pulling it down at some point and shaking it out. I like the shirt because of all the buttons – fumbling with each one as you sway your hips to the backing soundtrack builds the anticipation and let’s face it that is exactly what a striptease is meant to do. I usually wear a white shirt with a dark coloured lingerie set underneath.

 Logistics – like in real estate location is everything (I can’t believe I just typed that but it is the best way to tell you what I mean). I have found the best place to do a striptease is anywhere you can have your guy sitting in a chair and preferably a place where all he can do is look at you. That could be a chair in the bedroom or the living room it doesn’t matter. Whatever the location just remember to clear all potential obstacles out-of-the-way before hand to avoid trips or falls.

Final two pieces of advice; 1) song choice – pick a song you like – mid-tempo I guess would be best. Something with a beat you can move your hips too. Finally remove only one item of at a time. This is why I love the shirt so much it takes an age to unbutton it – it’s like the wrapper on a sweet he wants to see the prize on the inside. I don’t know about you or your boyfriend but both Hotshot and I love nice lingerie.

Now this is where I expected this story to end but a few days later Miss A got back to me. I could power phrase what she said to me but I better let her tell you her story herself in her own words;

Anyway, I wasn’t entirely truthful, the real reason why I wanted to know how to preform a decent striptease, was to tease the hell out of a guy who’s been messing me about. Don’t get me wrong I don’t care if you don’t want to date me, BUT STOP MESSING ME AROUND, YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME!!!!

 

So armed with the information in your email, I set about driving him MAD. The reason why I wanted your advice is while that those in the past haven’t gone as well as I would have liked, I needed to find a technique that would work, as I am over 6 foot and long limbs can be difficult to make sexy!!!!

 

So after practising myself and laughing in the mirror, I went to his place to set up while he was still at work. His brilliant room-mate (Who was in on my plan), gave me free run of their apartment. So I was all prepared by the time he came home from work to find an romantic setting of low lighting, candles, dinner made, and me dressed how you suggested in lingerie, a shirt of his, and an apron!!! The expression on his face was priceless!!!

 

Lets not go into details, but things went better than I ever could have expected. He ended up tied to a chair, only to be freed 6 hours later, by his room-mate returning home late and drunk. The photos have circulated amongst his friends, (thanks room-mate) and he is never going to live this down, or me.

 

Sorry, you must think you’ve just helped out a sadistic madwoman.

But I promise you would have done something similar if you’d have know what he did to me.

Miss A, I have no doubt I would have done the very same as you if some guy was messing me around in such a fashion.

The lesson to take away from here guys – is if you mess a girl around too much don’t be surprised if she exacts her revenge. Remember Karma is a bitch and she may very well have you on speed dial.

 

Sparks Fly

So it has been a while since I posted a blog remotely personal or adventure related and well the reason for that has been I’ve been busy living and learning about myself along the way. The next few posts are going to be all about my adventures as I try to catch you all up on what has gone on over the last little while.

My mother always told me I should wear underwear I wouldn’t mind showing off at a moment notice if they opportunity arose and I guess you could say this is something I took to heart with my lingerie addiction. But honestly I don’t think my mother meant it quiet so literal – I think she was instilling in me a need to be always prepared for the unexpected. And that is just what this was – totally unexpected – but in the most fantastic of ways.

Okay let’s take a few steps back – I have been very lucky in my life to be surrounded by some truly wonderful people and I guess you could say I think I can add this person to the list now too. It never ceases to amaze me how comfortable and freely I feel able to speak around this person and if you asked me to pin point exactly why I wouldn’t even know where to begin except to say that the honesty and freedom I feel is reciprocated. We’ve had some pretty ‘HEAVY’ conversations and while we are not always on the same side neither of us feels a need to censor ourselves –as there is /never has been any judgement placed on what the other has said… well there never has been from my side anyway and seeing as this person hasn’t gone running (if anything he has become more of a constant in my life) I guess you could say he is not judging me for my sometimes ‘crazy’ opinions.

Okay so who is he? Well I will admit while I was trying to come up for a name for this person in the blog I kept being brought back to the fact that (he on occasion and of course) Hotshot calls me Cinder as in short for Cinderella – no not because I turn into a pumpkin after midnight or anything but read this you’ll understand then. It got me thinking about the fairy tale and of course about the handsome prince charming…. I don’t know what he’ll think of me making this comparison but I guess I’ll find out because I know he will be reading this. So as none of the princes get any names in these fairy tales and while he may not be a prince he is handsome and charming – so I’m gonna call him Charming. Ha I can’t wait to hear what he thinks about that.

The thing is he’s charming but in a good way he does it in a way that I know it is truly natural and not fake. He says and picks up on little things that make me swoon and melt. It’s funny because the things that probably make me feel this way the most are things he probably thinks matter little but he’s wrong, for me the little things are worth so much more that the big things.

Okay so seeing as this is his introduction to the blog it seems only fair I tell you a few things about him…. where to start. His eyes he has the most beautiful eyes. He’s witty and intelligent. He makes me smile a lot – a lot more than I even care to admit. His accent – when he says my name I melt just a little…okay a lot. He has such patience and boy has he needed them recently. He has been amazing while I dealt with the fall out of my personal tragedy and its aftermath. He’s just listened and taken all my crap on board when really he didn’t have to and to me this says more about the man that he is than anything I could ever put in to words myself.

I guess this is me making a very public declaration that I like him… really like him. I’m not sure if I have ever said it in those words to him before but I’m saying it now…. and scared to death as I do. I wonder what is reaction will be but I guess I will find out…

 

Talk That Talk – Take Two

Since I posted my Talk That Talk post I have been inundated with emails and tweets from mostly ladies telling me ones I missed out on. So this is actually a follow-up post, of when guys say one thing but mean another that have been submitted by you out there the readers of my little blog.

1. “I definitely know you from somewhere.”

He means: I definitely fancy you.

A guy who’s trying to impress you wouldn’t dream of risking a full “I fancy you” at this early stage, so he’s hedging his bets with a (glaringly unsubtle) flirty cliché. It works for a couple of reasons: first, it draws you into the idea that you and he are somehow connected (ah, it’s fate! I mean come on what girl out there hasn’t thought at one time or another this is faith us meeting like this). It’s also his way of signalling his interest, without making himself vulnerable to rejection. He fears rejection like a slug fears salt.

Sometimes for a more confident guy this could be seen as a chat-up line for the very fact it plays on the faith aspect of how ladies view relationships and meeting.

2. “It’s getting noisy in here. Do you want to go somewhere less crowded?”

He means: I like you, and I think you like me, so let’s find somewhere more romantic. Or the Irish translation ‘let’s go somewhere so I can shift the face off ya!’

He still doesn’t want to risk rejection by laying his heart on the ground for you to stamp on, but when a man says this he clearly thinks that your date is going well. That, or his ex-girlfriend has just walked in.

Be warned, you haven’t got him in the bag yet. When you “go on somewhere” he’s still sussing you out. He hasn’t switched to a quieter venue so that he can rip your clothes off – it’s simply so that conversation is easier and he can find out more about you.

3. “Hey try this: it’s a whiskey sour. I first had one in New York. Careful, sip slowly…”

He means: You are intimidatingly cool. Must prove that I’m at least as cool as you are.

This is not about whiskey cocktails, it’s about his ego. If a man is impressed by your career or conversation, watch him try to rescue his intimidated ego by pulling out all his best alpha male tricks. He’ll brag, crack jokes, spend money on you, save you from muggers… this man will do anything for you. Because it makes him feel better about himself.

Word of warning: if you want your relationship to work in the long-term, he’s got to get over his insecurities first.

Or more likely than not he is trying to get you to relax and loosen up.

4. “Hey everyone, this is my friend…”

He means: This is not my girlfriend. Just making sure that you know it and she knows it.

Or he may mean: This is my new girlfriend. But I’m playing it cool.

Only you (and he, I suppose) can decide the most likely of these two explanations for his description of you as his “friend” – even though you’ve been in a state of apparent mutual bliss for two months now.

Be honest. If your dates contain more awkward silences than words, you are not in a state of mutual bliss. He only called you his “friend” because you were in the room and he wanted to be polite. Get rid, immediately.

The “playing it cool” explanation is a little more complicated. A lot of the men say that they find it intensely embarrassing to declare their feelings for a new girlfriend in public (by, say, using the word “girlfriend”). He may be happy to call you his girlfriend in private, but not in front of his friends. If it’s any consolation, he’ll get over himself soon enough.

Okay word to the wise here guys, if you aren’t ready to define the relationship – use her name and not a label it will save you a whole lot of trouble in the long run.

5. He says: “The time’s not right… I’d make a terrible boyfriend at the moment.”

He means: I’d make a terrible boyfriend because I don’t fancy you enough.

Give the guy credit for being honest with himself and letting you down gently, rather than hanging on and treating you like a doormat because he doesn’t have the gumption to end it. That may not make you feel better now, but it soon will.

6. He says: “I love New York. I’ll take you there one day.”

He means: I love the response I get when I say this to women.

Sometimes he may even mean it, for a minute or two. We all do it to an extent – we’re carried away by the excitement of meeting someone new, and we throw all sorts of pie-eyed plans into the air, without seriously intending to follow them through. No harm in that, provided you both know that it’s just one of those fun “what if?” conversations. The danger is when one of you takes it too seriously. Put down that visa application form and take a pinch of salt instead.

In the interest of fairness I am willing to compile a list of what women say but don’t really mean. Feel free to email me phrases you think should be included to missynothingbuttrouble@gmail.com

 

Missing in Action

Those of you who I have followed my little messy adventures in the wonderland that is the big US of A, will no doubt have noticed the significant lack of posting of any kind in… Wow a month really?! God I need to get my act together so!

If you are reading this and are already following me on twitter (@A_bit_naughty) you will already be aware that I suffered loss in my personal life – sudden but sadly not an unexpected one. I guess you could say I lost my mojo for writing – and suffered a mental block so to speak.

So I needed to take some time away to grief and now that I have done that I’m ready to catch you up on all that you have missed out during my hiatus. But first things first I need to thank all those amazing people out there (they know who they are) who helped me get through this difficult time and who showed great patients with me as I struggled to deal with what happened and how it all happened.

Thank you so very much!!

Naughty xxx

 

Guys and their Game

I don’t know if you have played this game with your girlfriends on a night out – where you guess which type of guy he is by the way he runs his ‘game’ – well me and my Irish girlies play it all the time when we are out and I have come to realise that MOST men prowling in the bars, clubs and wherever else fall mostly into one of these categories.

The cringe worthy one-liner men
Cheese is the name of the game here. In fact the cheesier the better! These guys are actually quite smart when you think about it they are answering the plea of every women all over the world – don’t act like you  know what I’m talking about how many times have you or your girlfriends uttered these infamous words ‘All I want is a guy who can make me laugh’. And these ‘one-liner’ guy’s answer this call – they approach you with a cheesy one line – yes it’s likely to make you cringe but if he has played it right you will laugh. Once they have you laughing they’ve got your attention and that is half the battle.

I will admit I’m not immune to the charm of a cleverly crafted cringe worthy one liner, at work the other day I walked past this guy who he blurted out ‘Jean Claude Van DAMN you’re hot!’ really loudly. It made me blush and laugh in equal measures. And it most certainly broke the ice between us, we got chatting and he (let’s call him ‘bar guy’) Well bar guy hung around the whole night and once I finished work he took me out for breakfast at 3am, which was a first. Working in a bar and being chatted up most nights I have heard so many cringe-worthy one liners some other ‘gems’ (and I use the term loosely) that I have heard recently;

 “Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning? Because you look magically delicious”

“My magical watch tells me you are not wearing any underwear… Oh well I guess it must be an hour fast”,

“You have 206 bones in your body, do you want one more?”

“Your shirt and I have something in common…. we both look good on you”

I could go on and on and on but I won’t because that would be getting off point slightly.

The charmer
You want to watch out for these guys – these are the ones who only USUALLY want a one nightstand. They won’t call even if they say they will and if they do it will be for a repeat performance and not a relationship. These guys don’t have a designate hunting ground you could run into them anywhere from the coffee shop, supermarket or at the bar on a night out. They are however easy to spot, they will approach you brimming in swagger, dripping in charm with cleverly crafted compliments that just seem to roll off his tongue and out of his mouth usually something about how you look or your outfit. These types of men are over confident and bordering on cocky. I will admit I like my men confident but their arrogance gets old pretty quick. They would be better served by saying a something like they mean it, not like it’s just some line. It pains me to admit that man women fall for a charmers lines and then are left crying when he hasn’t called.

My experience with charmers has been they are good for an ego boost if you are feeling down and out of your depth. They are the ideal choice if you want to get over one guy by getting under another – they won’t want or expect more than one night.

The attention seeker
The attention seeker – you know the guy at the bar who is staring at you and then after a few minutes of unreturned attention sends you over a drink and when you smile politely at him to accept the drink he sees this as his invitation to come over to the table. Sending you a drink is the conversation opener, you accept they know you are receptive to the approach, you send it back and well he is striking out from the bench without ever actually having been in the game to begin with. I guess you can say these guys are similar to the ‘long distance flirt’ in that there method is very non-committal, so with rejection they are never really losing to begin because they weren’t fully in the game.  

The long distance flirt
You know the guy you spend the entire night with eye fucking you from across the bar from a distance or the guy who engages in friendly banter and heckling from the other side of the bar – that is a long distance flirter. They feel safer flirting from a far at first and are very non committal. Depending on the place this can be an ideal way to flirt and instigate some cheeky banter. I have encountered a few of this type they can be kind of loud – not necessarily a bad thing! The most recent time was at a table quiz (where I was embracing my full inner nerd) and while I was not intimated by the banter one or two of the other girls were. After the quiz he came over and I will admit I wasn’t all the surprised he did, he flipped into the charmer and insisted we buy him a drink out of our winnings. I will admit he did get a date just for being so brazen and standing out.

The white knight
These are the straight from the fairy tale kinds of guys – some would call them ‘real men’. This type of guy is the guy who offers to help you get the heavy item you just bought to your car or the guy who gives up his seat for you on public transport. I will admit this is a cleaver play I mean offering assistance or giving a seat up for you is a nice little move into conversation, I mean naturally you feel obliged to smile politely, thank them and make small talk with them. And once they have you talking they can keep you talking disarm you and charm you.

The serenade
Now this type of guy is rare very rare and honestly unless you can’t really sing you should avoid being one of these types of guys. I witnessed when it goes wrong. There was a party in the bar and the guy got down on one knee to propose to his girlfriend in front of all their family and friends she turned him down and his brother decided to take the opportunity to serenade one of my co-workers. He couldn’t sing and his choice of song ‘I wanna sex you up’ – Colour me Badd really didn’t help either. I mean who decides that after his brother’s proposal crash and burn decides it’s a good time to serenade someone. Singing is not the only method by which someone may serenade you – they may do it with words in the form of a love poem or something to that effect. The thing here is it really depends on the lady in question as to if this action plan will work or not. I can tell you something for nothing it most certainly will not work on me. I love words but the chances of you being Shakespeare or WB Yates are slim so give up the ghost before it even begins I say.

Which type of guy is the best…. well to me that is the one who doesn’t waste my time by playing his silly ‘games’ which he thinks have me fooled. I have news for you ‘Sonny Boy’ quite while you are ahead because I know the way you play because us ladies wrote the playbook. My search goes on for someone who doesn’t play the game…. although I would probably settle for a guy who can play the game as well as I. Now that would make for some interesting dates and make for some very interesting blog entries. Applications’ are currently being taken….

 

The Kiss of DEATH

The 5 Most Deadly Relationship Questions

 Relationships are a mine field. FACT! We plod our way through them trying not to step on a landmine and see it all implode in our faces. And let’s be honest sometimes that is easier said than done. Here is a list of the five most deadly questions to ask in a relationship:

“Did you get my message?”
Anyone who knows anything about love and life immediately recognises this question for what it is – the relationship equivalent of the pin being removed from a hand-grenade. You have approximately 10 seconds to get yourself to a place of safety, and you’re not going to make it if you simply reply, “Which one?” (with all its undertones of SMS complacency).

What the asker of this question is really asking, of course, is: “Do you love me? Why don’t you reply to stuff I send you? You used to reply, you used to bombard me with texts all day. But these days, oh no, you’re too busy with your fancy friends and your new iPad to bother with the likes of me. Well, perhaps I’ll stop texting you then. I’ll use up my free text allowance exchanging filth with that ex who still emails me when they’re drunk. Would you like that? Would you? WOULD YOU?”

The only way to bring this back is to put down whatever you’re doing – as long as it’s not your partner – and say, “Yes, shall we discuss it now?” You do risk that your partner will test you – saying deliberately oblique stuff like, “So are we on?” or throwing out a bluff like, “Yellow or blue?” – you just have to take the chance. Often all your partner really wants to hear is, “I love you.” And the sound of their text-alert a bit more often….


“Shall we go halves?”
This never ends well. Asked by a woman, this question means, “Do you still love me? Talk is cheap; I need you to say it with your Visa card.” Asked by a man, it just sounds like, “Wow, you’ve gained weight. I’m not subsidising those hips anymore, sister.” If you haven’t already worked-out a satisfactory bill-splitting arrangement, now isn’t the time to bring that up (even if the waitress has cleared away the sharp knives, those wineglasses can still be lethal), but try to address it in the future. Most people find that taking turns to pay for dates is less soul-destroying than going 50\50 on each one. Or replace expensive dates with thoughtful, cheap ones – a picnic where you’ve prepared your partner’s favourite foods, for example, or rent their favourite film and throw in a box of microwave popcorn.

“Do you know that girl?”
…Because if you don’t, and you really have just spent the last five minutes gawping at her like I don’t exist, I’m going to take you down into a universe of pain. When I’ve finished with you, you’ll be begging me to remove your eyeballs just so you can never disrespect me this way again. Not that you’ll be able to speak.”

If you’re a woman and you find yourself asking this question, slap yourself. The only way to keep your sassy edge in a relationship is to maintain as much self-control as you can. Keep “dignity” as your mantra and you won’t go far wrong – you won’t booty-text at 3am, you won’t drink too much on dates, and you won’t let insecurity leak out in seemingly innocuous ways like asking this question. If you don’t like how you look and fear your partner might find someone else, damn well improve yourself. Not to keep him, but to make yourself feel better. Look after yourself, exercise, wear your best clothes. Feel like a catch!

If you’re a man on the receiving end of this question, there can be only one answer: “What, that ugly one?” Then check you still have all your limbs. If you do, you dodged a bullet so vow never to make the mistake again. Scientists say there are biological reasons men leer at girls, stuff to do with “movement in the peripheral vision” and “survival instinct”, but don’t quote me unless you want the rest of your sentences to be typed out by a pencil attached to your forehead. Just keep your eyes on your own prize – the girl you’re with.

“Was it good for you?”
Really, come on – what are they going to say? Lying there, damply steaming in the afterglow, no partner is ever going to give you a truthful post-match analysis: “The first five minutes were a sheer joy, but you lost your way in the second half. I expected better from you, I admit, especially after your recent season in Brazil.” You’re only asking because you feel insecure and that’s never arousing. You might try to get feedback in a different way, by just flat-out complimenting them on their performance, but if they just say, “Thanks,” you’ll feel worse. The best thing to do is keep quiet and assume they thought it was incredible – and that they’re just not telling you because they’ve lost the strength to speak.

“Where is this going?”
Ah, there it is. The death knell. The knock at the door from the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse… or from the removal men your partner booked in case your answer doesn’t involve dropping to one knee. It’s the big one. How much do I hate it? Let me count the ways.

Firstly, it’s usually asked by women and puts them squarely in the position of no-power. Asking this says, “You’re in the driving seat, you get to decide my future.”  My advice is always – set a personal timeline of when you’d like to be committed to your partner and when it’s passed, THAT is the time to speak.  Not now, three weeks in when you still barely know each other. Don’t worry that it’ll drag on for years and you’ll be wasting time – the timeline will stop that happening.

Secondly, this question implies there’s no communication in the relationship – the future, as a topic, should come up naturally as you get closer, not have to be nailed-down artificially. And thirdly, it says that the goal of Marriage, Babies, Forever, is more important than the person you’re actually with. Tick-tock, come on, if you’re not going to propose then I can’t hang around! How can that be flattering? Instead, ask questions that tell you if this is even a person you’d LIKE to spend the rest of your life with. What are their political views? What are their retirement plans? Will they ever see a doctor about their snoring? Are you ever going to shave your back-hair??  -The big important questions!

Uttering and being on the receiving end of any of these five questions – run for your life because your relationship has just been put on life support and the chances of recovery are – slim at best.

 

Hanging on the Telephone

Now usually I fill my blogs with my sexy adventures and usually they are all positive, things that work and go well, but like everyone sometimes – myself included – the wheels come off. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, like most things in my life, it is ‘go big or go home’. Having said that I very much agree with Oscar Wilde here;

“Experience is the name we all give to our mistakes.”

And it is a notion I very much live by – when something goes wrong I learn from it, make sure as hell it never happens again and move on from it – once is a mistake, twice is an inability to learn!

Okay so if you hadn’t already figured it out this is a post about phone sex. Firstly I need to say a few things here, people get all on their high horse and look down on phone sex, but it can be a wonderful thing I mean you get to say things you might otherwise embarrassed to and no one sees you blush as you say them. And as you already know from my ‘sexy scrabble’ post, big words appeal to my inner nerd.

Hmm, I probably should give you a little back story – well you all remember Tiger – I introduced you to him a few posts back… well here comes his starring role. So as I have already explained we had some ‘circumstances’ outside our control, hence the phone sex in the first place, but before we get to that, I probably should also tell you about how we had been building up to this point. We had been engaged in shameless flirting and sex banter which gradually led to the sexy stories and sharing of details until finally we reached this point ‘phone sex’.

We had been trying to work out the logistics of the whole thing for a while, trying to coincide our free time and get rid of our roommates and finally after a few false starts everything aliened and we were ready to play.

Were there nerves? Yeah, I guess so, it is something about the first time being with someone new it is always going to be nerve-wracking. The awkward moments spent trying to figure out if you bob or weave, tilt to the left or the right – well we by-passed that by the virtue of the fact it was phone sex, but was never-the-less I was anxious..

We had spent most of the day trading flirty sexy texts setting the mood for later but honestly it wasn’t like we needed too – I mean the sexual tension between the two of us was so evident it oozed out even in normal conversation when we weren’t trying to be flirty.

So the time finally came for the call and disaster struck, we started rabbiting on about crap – nothing in particular but it sure as hell wasn’t sexy nor was it phone sex. It was awkward and strained but we got through it, The other thing of note about our situation is while we were both shamelessly flirting with one another we were both getting it for real with other people and neither of us were jealous of the other. In fact we shared our war stories quiet often. As I said Tiger and I have a unique situation and honestly I’m not even sure there is a name for it or an accurate way of describing it, but it is what it is.

Okay so after the epic fail we went back to our old ways flirting and we did discuss what had happened and came up with a new plan of action for the next time – NO SMALL TALK. Well the next time was about a week later and it was real spur of the moment thing. All my roommates where out, Tiger was off work and well once we both realised this it took us like ten minutes to do all we had to do so we were ready for the call. Things like find headphones strip down to our underwear …. well you get the picture!

The thing is just because its phone sex doesn’t mean there is no effort put in, I happen to think more effort is required because let’s face it you don’t have a visual to go with. Now Tiger has a number of names for me just as I do for him – one such name he throws out from time to time is to call me ‘Human Viagra’ because I have very good linguistic skills – which is flattering I won’t lie but that night ‘cat kinda got my tongue’ and I think I was the quietest I have ever been – I’m guessing it was a hangover for our first failed attempt or maybe it was a touch of shy ‘naughty’ coming back to the surface. Yeah I can see your shock from here, I was indeed a painfully shy kid but not anymore, although it does come out to play on occasions.

I was shaky to begin with and the suddenness of it all (I probably should say I’m a planner – I feel more relaxed when there is a plan and this was planned but not for that night so I was shaky) didn’t help either. I don’t think Tiger even knows this bit, but while I stalled claiming to be looking for something I was actually downing a shot of tequila to calm myself!

I don’t know about all of you out there who have had phone sex but the part that I always struggle with is the small talk at the beginning, I mean you are both only too well aware of the purpose of the call and yet it feels weird just to get straight down into talking dirty with one another – so there is this awkward small talk at the beginning. I can’t remember which one of us called a stop to the meaningless small talk but one of us did as we felt the conversation sliding in to the pit falls of its predecessor. A quick reality check got us back on course and we got down to it.

Now as this was phone sex descriptions are needed so most times the proceeding begin with the obvious question “What are you wearing?” From here it can go a number of different ways, some people like to be told what to do by the other person playing along at home, others want you to act on impulse but tell them the play by play and then there are those who don’t really need words just the sounds as you do the exact same as them but only from a distance. As this was the first time for Tiger and I to play together neither of us knew which type the other was (a word to the wise I would ask this question pre-play if you can) so we were just kind of feeling each other out (so to speak)

Things were progressing nicely and we were both really enjoying it, we seemed to have worked through our teething issues and were in full flow…..

You can just see it coming can’t you – the freak back pass that rebounds past the goalie into the goal, the iceberg that seemed to come out of nowhere to sink the Titanic, the axe murderer waiting for the one kid to get separated from his friends, falling at the last hurdle in the Olympic final…..  Can you tell I’m stalling, trying to avoid getting down to the point at where it all went wrong….Okay okay, enough with the metaphors.

Our… or should I say my disaster came with a bang… literally…. mid-flow and so close to the finish line… I moved (and to this day I don’t know why I did, I had been comfortable but anyway I moved) it wasn’t graceful, just a quick jerk and smack, bang, wallop – my head slapped off the head board with a thump.

Yep I smacked my head of the headboard on my bed. And it was loud. It hurt like hell and pounded in pain… but what does one do when they bang their head during phone sex…. yep that’s right – they burst out laughing in a fit of full blown giggles. Of course Tiger heard the noise and then the laughing that followed and was confused. (I was thankful he wasn’t there to see me collide head first with the bedroom furniture) and I think I laughed both because of the pain and also the embarrassment. I mean I wasn’t going to cry now was I?

The worst part was the more I tried to calm myself and stop laughing the more I laughed. Tiger still on the phone was questioning what the hell was going on… I explained and he called me an eejit (I’m taking it as he meant it in a nice way). He too found the funny side in it and laughed at me, rather than with me, on this occasion. He wasn’t all fun and games about it, he did ask was I okay on more than one occasion and in reality I was. These things happen sometimes and they haven’t happened to me since but even I can look back at it now and say, well that was pretty funny alright.

I had a huge lump on the right side of my head for a few days after but thank God not that anyone would notice as it was hidden by my hair.

And for those inquiring minds out there Tiger and I have had much more successful phone sex after this mishap…  really I mean the only way up there was up after that experience! Tiger hasn’t exactly let me live it down either, it comes up in conversation from time to time when he teases me and its fine because I can laugh about it. I mean it’s sex it’s not going to be perfect every time things like this are going to happen – somewhere along the line you are going to fall off the bed, bump your head on a lighting fixture, trip over a potted plant or be slammed into a door – it’s how you deal with the mishaps that is important.

I will be the first to admit my fit of giggles totally killed the mood (when Tiger is telling the story he says it was pretty hot right up until I started laughing) so maybe that is not the way to go, but neither would be crying or moaning because things haven’t gone exactly to plan… my advice pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back down to it.